December 31, 2013
Dear Diary,
Who ever said you can't go home again was a liar! Because that is exactly where I'm heading! Not exactly where I wanted to be headed on new years eve. One of the most glamorous night of the year and I'm on a plan to the middle of know where. Not to mention mid-night is my birthday. I miss Manhattan already. I could be on my way to a fabulous party with fabulous people right now. I never thought I be going back. I promised myself I wouldn't but I didn't plan on mama getting cancer, dying, and leaving my two younger sisters alone. The fella my mama called her husband and our father walked out when I was 7. Carrie and Hannah where just 3 and 2 years old so they don't remember but about him. I always told them I didn't remember him but I did. I remembered everything. I remember how he always smelled of smoke and whiskey. Those smells still make my stomach turn. I remember how much him and mama would fight and mama would have to beg him for money to feed us. I remember mama telling us she fell and got a boo boo. That was a lie. I remember the sound of bottles smashing against walls. I remember holding mama as she cried. I remember the day he left mama cried. Not the sad kind of tears. She cried happy tears for the first time ever. She knew it was going to be hard doing it on her own but at least we where finally free. He was a dead beat and nothing to be missed but still some nights I wake up out of a dead sleep expecting him to come stumbling through the door way smelling like smoke and whiskey.
Deep breaths. I knew mama was sick. I thought she was strong enough to beat this. I guess this was her way of getting me back home. My stomach is in knots and all I keep seeing in my head is mama. I can't do this. I don't wanna have to say goodbye again. I don't wanna put her in the cold ground. I don't wanna see how bad she got. I don't wanna face my sisters. I'm not ready to face that town and the life I left behind. Once I see her I'll have to face the fact that I didn't come to see her even when Carrie called to tell me she wouldn't make it through the night.
Looking out the window. I miss the city lights already. I keep thinking about Carrie and Hannah. When I left they where 13 and 12 years old. I wonder what their like. Carrie and Hannah look like mama. I look like...him. I always hated the way I looked. Maybe that's why I'm always changing myself. Carrie sounded like mama on the phone. I use to call mama every Sunday but the girls never wanted to talk to me. They never forgave me for leaving. Needless to say I am not expecting a warm welcome. It just turned mid-night happy new year. Where landing now. Here goes nothing. Welcome to Greensboro Georgia.
